


It hurts, but why?

by InterPlanetary_Redacted



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, M/M, Post-Movie: The Old Guard (2020), Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,433
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25388497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterPlanetary_Redacted/pseuds/InterPlanetary_Redacted
Summary: After everything that happened with Merrick, Nicky isn't sure why he feels the way he does, and it takes him a single comment on a conversation he was eavesdropping on to make it click.-He had tried to think through the different points about his emotions that he felt, and he knew that Joe would not ask him yet, not would he try to push Nicky into answering if he was clearly not ready to, and he also wouldn’t go searching for answers if he saw Nicky physically writing them.So he did
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 8
Kudos: 288





	It hurts, but why?

**Author's Note:**

> I've watched the film, and I do plan on getting the graphic novels soon, probably by October in the latest so...don't hate me for inaccuracies to the novels?? Also, still my apologies if you feel it is out of character for the film too, however I like to think that I did okay??

It had started almost two weeks after they had separated from Nile and Andy, and Nicky wasn’t entirely sure what he was feeling. 

He loved Joe, and it wasn’t related to his feelings for the man in the slightest, but it was affecting his behaviour and mood, and this was something that Joe was obviously going to notice - and Nicky expected nothing less. He would actually be worried (and _hurt_ ) if he didn’t. 

Still, he tried to hide it or- at least not make it so obvious. They were in Malta, and Joe’s anger had simmered into something more like regret at having trusted Booker for the past two hundred years; if Nicky had to guess, but while Nicky himself could say he was ‘sad’, it was...more than that. And he didn’t know what exactly it was that was _causing_ it.

He had tried to think through the different points about his emotions that he felt, and he knew that Joe would not ask him yet, not would he try to push Nicky into answering if he was clearly not ready to, and he also wouldn’t go searching for answers if he saw Nicky physically writing them. 

So he did: 

  * _Sadness - Booker betrayed us to the enemy_


  * _Understanding - he can see where the man is coming from, with him always having Joe and Booker having lost his sons_


  * _Annoyance - he couldn’t just discuss it with them rather than going behind their backs without fully knowing what he was getting into?_


  * _Curiosity - what truly led him to that decision that he couldn’t talk to them, that they wouldn’t understand?_


  * _Longing - he missed the man, his brother, he could not deny that feeling and he would not dare try to_


  * _Frustration - at himself, more than anything, because he could not quite work out what the root of his sadness was; why did it hurt so much?_



And he understood all of the emotions he had written down, except for the questions the last one was bringing him. 

He did not feel regret, like Joe did; nor did he have the understanding of missing his family like Nile did - Joe and Andy and Booker _had_ been his family for as long as he’d known them all. Even if it didn’t necessarily start that way with his Love. 

Sometimes, he would have vague recollections at times, like hearing children laugh and being thrown back into his own mind with blurry backgrounds and nonexistent faces that made up the family he once had including his little sisters. But, no, he did not have Nile’s understanding of missing his family, nor did he have the same regret that they have at leaving their families. 

Truly, he did not expect to return when he went out to fight, nor was he expected to. 

Once, he had seen one of his younger sisters from afar, almost two decades after he left, while he was still Nicolò and Joe was Yusuf, and he was showing off his home in a way that Yusuf had done with his own not five years before. He had recognised her undeniably as his sister, as he remembered the broach he had given her before he left for the Crusade, pinned neatly upon her breast, and she had been calling out to a child, a girl by the name of Nicola, and he had begun crying. 

Silently, there was no need to give up their position since neither would be welcomed there - Yusuf was Muslim, afterall, their enemy, and Nicolò was supposed to be dead. 

They had left to other parts of the country after that, where they weren’t as likely to be noticed or caught before leaving. 

This feeling he had wasn’t like seeing his sisters and knowing there was now a centuries-old gap where they used to be which will not be filled regardless of how many sisters he gains. 

Where Nocolò was happy with his sisters, knowing at least one of them had a decent life even if he had no information on the youngest; with Booker he could feel a sense of betrayal too, though not as intense as Joe’s. 

* * *

They left Malta after almost two months there, when Joe decided they needed a change of scenery. 

Sometimes it’s like that. 

Sometimes they can stay in one place for years, or even decades when not on a job - having somewhere more permanent to call home. 

Other times they were restless, wanting to see more and experience things they hadn’t yet managed to - even if the sights were similar if not the same, there was always some new activity for them. Museums did tend to be the most common one though, seeing how accurate they were and making a competition out of pointing out inaccuracies. 

Regardless, they made a tour out of visiting various cities in Kazakhstan next, before catching a flight to Turkey, going through Bulgaria to Greece, and then catching a boat to Italy. 

Before Nicky knew it, it had been another two months gone in the blink of an eye - even if anything less than a year usually seemed that way when there was no kind of mission. 

Joe insisted that the break was good for them, that they needed it after what had gone on with Merrick. 

It wasn’t the first time they’d been tortured, sure - but it was the first time they had been hunted, caught, and tortured for the particular reason of somebody wanting to replicate their abilities. 

Regardless, Joe said it, and Nicky did agree, even if he only smiled softly when Joe would tuck a piece of his hair behind his ear at the repeated sentiment. It was growing longer now than it had been for at least three years if he had to guess. 

Nicky loved Italy, he always would, and it would still always be his first home, even if Joe _was_ his home now and wherever he was was where Nicky wanted to be. 

But still, it was familiar after all these centuries of repeated visits, even if he was sad by the ruins that were left of things he had seen built, and entire villages and families wiped off the map. 

* * *

(He rarely admitted it out loud, and only to Joe in the dead of night, but he was also _fascinated_ by humanity's ability to destroy and rebuild and move on without a thought or care, that there were things Joe had drawn or painted which held a place in his memory that most would never even hear of in folk tales or museums. Sometimes the fascination scared him, and he was ashamed, because he also disagreed with a lot of how humanity had changed socially and politically - even if he knows that his own years before his own first death weren’t exactly brilliant.)

* * *

They had been in Italy nearly two weeks, Nicky having lost a lot of tension even if his mind still whirred in curiosity, and Joe was just happy to see Nicky so relaxed that he didn’t mind staying. 

Nicky thought it was the seasalt in the air of the coast that allowed him to relax so much, with how much time they’d spent peacefully at sea between years and countries and missions. 

He wasn’t with Joe when it happened, for once they had split up while here, and Joe was getting the last of their groceries while Nicky waited in line at their favourite gelato store here - a place which had stood in the same place for over half a century now. 

Honestly, he probably shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on the girl and her friend, but he was quite close by as he waited, and she was being unintentionally loud (even as her friend tried to shush her quietly). 

“N-non riesco proprio a credere ch- che mi farebbe questo,” she hiccuped. 

And it clicked, it clicked easily in that moment and he did not even know what the conversation was about - though if he had to guess, cheating boyfriend is the most likely option, but he could be wrong, not that it was his business regardless. 

But! He had the answer and suddenly it felt like a weight off of his shoulders and he could almost swear it was easier to breathe than the past few months. 

There was still hurt, and realisation, he knew as he accepted the two servings of gelato. 

But the main issue had stopped his mind whirring: what was the actual source of his hurt? 

* * *

He almost ran into Joe as the other turned the corner to the store with another bag hanging from his wrist to go with the other three they had already collected. 

Clearly he was surprised to see such relief and happiness on Nicky’s face, but Nicky just shook his head and said they’d discuss it when they got back, handing the other his serving and digging into his own.

It wasn’t so much he was gaining back an appetite he had lost, but he did feel a little giddy and that reflected in the speed and enthusiasm with which he ate. 

Joe was much more refined, more interested in watching Nicky with amused relief of his own as Nicky practically skipped beside him - no dessert was sweeter than the smile his Nicky had, in Joe’s opinion. 

They both tossed their rubbish away before they arrived on the street to the apartment they were renting currently, and Nicky was still so full of energy at his realisation that he opted for the stairs to burn off the excess while Joe simply shook his head and followed behind him at a slower pace, not reminding Nicky that he was the one who had the keys. 

Nicky was waiting more patiently than Joe expected when he arrived and took out the keys so they could actually enter. 

They took their shoes off and were putting away the groceries, most of the excess energy having disappeared and instead just a peaceful quiet with music playing softly in the background (something Joe did while Nicky got started on putting away food). 

There were some ingredients left on the side for Joe to start cooking since it was mid-afternoon and the food was being made from scratch.

“I finally figured it out,” Nicky announced, hoisting himself up onto the counter which would be free from food preparation. 

“That something which has been making you absent-minded?” Joe assumed, correctly of course. 

“Yes!” Nicky grinned. 

“Would you like to tell me?” It was a simpel question, an encouragement, because he knew that Nicky would be telling him regardless, but Nicky still pursed his lips in response as he thought. 

He _did_ want to tell Joe, but he also didn’t want to cause any upset - even knowing it would not be directed at him. 

“I have been...confused, I guess you could say?” It was a rhetorical question as he got himself started. “About Booker.” Nicky watched the way the line of Joe’s strong shoulders tensed, his back also stiffening, before he released a breath and nodded subtly so Nicky knew he could continue, but he did not turn around. “I was sad, and hurt, by what had happened, and I felt betrayed, and I thought it was obvious why - he had gotten us strapped up and experimented on.” Nicky still has nightmares, and they are the most recent to cause such an impact when everything else has blurred together for fight after fight and mission after mission but - seeing his Love strapped beside him while _samples_ were taken from them...that is new, and stands out more than anything. “But it wasn’t enough. I had accepted it and knew it happened, and knew he had to be punished, somehow. I can’t say I’m not completely upset that we won’t see him for so long but I can understand if nothing else. 

“But something still bothered me, and I couldn’t work out what it was or why. I had accepted the betrayal, no? I had accepted the pain and the understading and, even though I can say for certain I would never do the same, I can see where he is coming from with his thinking. To an extent. And I do not agree with it. 

“And still,” he continued monologuing. “I did not understand. Until today. I just overheard a conversation and it clicked! I had accepted the betrayal but not who it was coming from!” It was a relief to actually say it out loud. “It was not something I could easily accept coming from _him_ who is my family. We have been betrayed by many and we have betrayed many more for whatever reason but- never each other. And- i- it _hurts_ . A lot. And I could not work out why but I finally know. We would never have done the same, regardless of whether we had each other or not. And on the one hand I understand why, I just do not understand _how_ he could do that.” Nicky was breathing heavily, almost panting by the time he finished, and Joe had turned around at some point although Nicky hadn’t noticed, his gaze flicking between the floor, his socked feet, or his hands. 

* * *

It was an easy decision for Joe to make, for him to move towards Nicky and position himself between the legs swaying against the counter with a slight nudge, before directing Nicky to look at him with a hand while the other gripped his hip tightly, but running his thumb in small circles just under the hem of his shirt. 

“I am glad you told me, and I am happy you worked out what was bothering you. Is that all?” He wanted to make sure his Nicky, his Nico, his Nicolò was okay. 

“Yes. It was causing a lot of frustration because I could not work it out,” Nicky smiled softly, bringing his arms up to wrap around Joe’s shoulders and kiss him softly one- two- three times. “I feel more at peace now than I have since we met Andy.” 

“Then I am glad,” Joe smiles back, before resting his forehead against Nicky’s, before deciding to change the subject. “Do you want to help prepare dinner?” 

“I think I’d rather watch.” Nicky smirked, not something that Joe was unaccustomed to when it was his turn to cook, but he rolled his eyes fondly anyway before pulling away. 

“Alright then, you can just sit there and look angelic, habibi,” he returns, turning back around to the food he had paused his preparation of, hearing a happy sigh behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it, leave a kudos and a comment if you would like to, I would super appreciate it! My tumblr is the same as my ao3 username and my instagram is freya_ziabeth if you wanna follow me on there - I don't post writing content but still, there if you wanna follow me!
> 
> (The Translation of the one Italian phrase I used was "I just can't believe he would do this to me," but do correct either the translation or the Italian if it is wrong, I would appreciate that a lot too!)
> 
> Fun Fact: this concept came to me because today it clicked for me why I was so hurt that my best friend of four years seems to have ghosted me and I was like "oh I'm not hurt by the fact she left, it was the fact it was HER who left" since it's been so long and I just didn't expect it at all and it's been 4 months now and I just didn't work it out so I spent 2 hours writing this because I was like "I could do it with Andy" but I wanted to include that sweet domestic life Joe and Nicky have going on.  
> EDIT: this fun fact still stands, but 3 days later and we've finally managed to discuss everything and it's on it's way to being better


End file.
